July 2009
1 post
“Listen, I’ve done a thousand of these interviews. What I’m about to say, I am saying because I like you and I think you need to hear it.”
“Ok.”
“You ask me if I’ve ever had my heart broken. How would you answer that question?”
“I don’t know. I suppose I would say yes, and probably tell the story. The most interesting one,...
May 2009
3 posts
Listen
“Changing my porn name from Rod Babyarm to Manly Ramirez. Look for my new movie,...”
– twitter
April 2009
9 posts
“When someone’s rude about asking you to do something, take a deep breath,...”
– twitter
“The best thing about having children is blaming farts on them. Just kidding,...”
– twitter
“Help someone go mad with power today.”
– twitter
My Top Five Things I Just Said About The Dad With...
I really like this guy.
He’s kind of cool looking.
I like his hair. He has good hair.
I feel like I know him. You know. Like he’d make a good neighbor maybe.
I wish he was my friend.
“It’s time you got serious about fucking around online.”
– twitter
My Top 5 Outright Lies or Misleading Implications...
I have intercourse with deer. I do not, but if I were to pick an animal? You’re goddamn right. Deer are sexy as shit.
I am a bioterrorist and had called for an attack on Kansas City, Missouri. Excepting for the occasional “Dutch Oven”, I am not a bioterrorist. But fuck Kansas City, am I right?
I was the subject of not one but two late night photography sessions, wherein I was...
March 2009
4 posts
The Battle of Two-Leg Valley
I fight an ongoing battle for the foot of my bed.
There are two cats in my home, both of whom enjoy the warmth and encapsulation offered by the space atop the covers between the ranges of hills my knees, calves and feet create. In general I’m comfortable with this situation; it’s a mutual exchange of warmth and I appreciate on some level that they choose me over my wife. But of course...
Top Ten Things that Pop Into My Head But Rarely...
Dogshit
Steve from Blue’s Clues
The Jews
Tattoo artists
Tone Loc
Rebecca Romijn
Rectal thermometers
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
The Jews
Wade Boggs Airline food
“Once again the end of the weekend came too soon, despite my suggestion that it...”
– twitter
“I asked my doctor why I always get colds worse than other people. He took his...”
– twitter
February 2009
4 posts
“I need to write fewer tweets that suggest I’m insane or retarded, and more...”
– twitter
“I haven’t had anything left for Lent since 1993 when, at Arsenio’s...”
– twitter
To Kid Taco
Dear Kid Taco,
Where to begin? When I hear your voice cracking over the intercom, I believe I can count on the following, on any given occasion:
When I say “beans instead of meat”, I won’t have to repeat it. I won’t have to repeat anything at all, for that matter.
Similarly, I will not have to come up with three to five different ways of saying “beans instead of...
Coldplay songs that I have retitled for internal...
2001: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2002: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2003: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2004: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2005: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2006: That Fucking U2 Song
2007: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2008: That Fucking Coldplay Song
2009: That Fucking Coldplay Song
January 2009
10 posts
“No you retard, it’s funny BECAUSE it’s racist. Kids.”
– twitter
“Márquez once said, “I don’t believe in God, but I’m afraid of...”
– twitter
“The thing I dig most about Twitter is that I can call all of my followers...”
– twitter
“I like my Thai food the same way I like my women: fast, cheap, hot, saucy, and...”
– twitter
To My Dear Younger Daughter
I’m not an old man, but I have lived my day. And experience has taught me a number of things. But today the lesson I am here to pass on is a simple one.
Relax. Be lazy. Do what you love, and take the time to do it well, but do it only when you find joy in it. Do what you must, and take the time to do it well, but do it only when it serves the cause.
Remember that your wellness, mental as...
“I put baby in a corner. I don’t know what happens now.”
– twitter
“Group hug, you guys. Come on, bring it in. Except you, fuck you. Everybody else,...”
– twitter
“Learning details about Internet friends: the lateral journey from the terror of...”
– twitter
“GUYS! I’m sitting on this AMAZING joke. I just need a Spanish airliner to...”
– twitter
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 7 : Sweater and Forget...
--------: 12:21 PM
Rick: Lou, are you there?
Rick: Ok I know you're there, but when are you planning on telling me what's wrong?
Rick: It's been more than a week since you even looked at me.
--------: 12:43 PM
Rick: I think I know what this is about. Emily is a good friend of mine, ok?
Rick: I know you might be feeling a little bit intruded upon. I get that.
Rick: But I need you to be mature about this.
--------: 2:07 PM
Lou: im not angry
Rick: Then what's with the silent treatment?
Lou: i mean im not angry anymore
Rick: So tell me why you've been angry, at least. Is it Emily?
Lou: she was in my spot
Rick: So it's about her spending the night.
Lou: thats my spot
Lou: i dont know why you would just let some tramp lay in my spot
Rick: She's not a tramp, she's very special.
Lou: special tramp
Lou: so you mean whore
--------: 2:46 PM
Rick: Ok, well anyway...
Rick: I'm glad you're not angry anymore.
Rick: I just want things to be back the way they were, ok?
Lou: so do i
Rick: Emily is going to be part of my life and you need to learn to deal with that.
Lou: oh i dealt with it
Rick: So are you two getting along?
Lou: shes gone
Rick: Gone? But she was sick, I thought she'd probably be there all day.
Lou: she probably went to the cleaners
Rick: ...and why would she do that?
Lou: probably to get the cat pee out of her sweater
Rick: LOU! Why'd you pee on her sweater?
Lou: it was in my spot
Rick: Lou, you can't be reacting like that to something so stupid. So let me get this straight, you peed on her sweater while it was on your spot? So you basically peed on your spot...
Lou: not really
Lou: she got up
Lou: fast
Rick: Tell me you didn't pee on Emily
Rick: Louis.
Rick: LOU
--------: 3:15 PM
Rick: I just spoke with Emily.
Lou: oh really
Lou: hows she doing
Lou: tell her i said hello
Rick: She's really, really angry Lou. I don't think she's going to come back to the house unless I can promise her you've settled down.
Lou: wow
Lou: just wow
Lou: thats childish wouldnt you say
Rick: I'm very upset. You can't interfere with my personal life like this.
Lou: all i want is my spot back man
--------: 3:37 PM
Lou: she didnt say anything about her purse did she
--------: Rick has gone offline
December 2008
4 posts
“There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and the...”
– twitter
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 6 : Chag Sameach, Louis....
--------: 11:13 AM
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: what
Lou: so i was talking to mittens next door
Rick: I don't even want to know.
Lou: did you know theyre jewish
Rick: Yes, the Blums are Jewish.
Lou: wtf are the blums
Rick: The people next door, their last name is Blum.
Lou: mittens blum
Rick: I suppose so.
Lou: ok well im never gonna let that one die
Lou: but anyway
Lou: did you know if youre jewish you celebrate christmas for like two whole weeks
Rick: First of all it's called Hanukkah.
Rick: And it's like eight days or nights or something.
Lou: so its like three weeks god thats awesome
Rick: Sure, it's cool, that's just the Jewish winter holiday.
Lou: im gonna be jewish then
Rick: It's not that simple, Lou, it's a religion.
Lou: ok so can you do that for me
Rick: I don't know where to begin explaining how it doesn't work like that.
Lou: rick
Lou: i dont think youre listening to me
Lou: christmas rick
Lou: eight of them
Lou: mittens says hes gonna get something every day
Rick: Lou, it's not really like Christmas, I mean they give some gifts but it's not really the same. There's no tree, they just light some candles.
Lou: i dont like candles
Rick: See? You don't really know what it's all about, and I'm not going to help you become Jewish.
Lou: oh i get it
Lou: you dont want me to be one of the chosen
Lou: theres a name for people like you rick
Rick: Uh huh. You're being silly now, I'm done with this.
Lou: youre a putz
Rick: That's enough, Lou.
--------: 2:54 PM
Lou: rick
Rick: What
Lou: if you help me be jewish i will take back one thing i said about you for every day of christmas
Rick: It's called Hanukkah.
Lou: right that
Lou: so we have a deal
Rick: NO!
--------: 3:04 PM
Lou: rick
Rick: WHAT
Lou: what are you getting me for christmas
Rick: I don't know yet. I wouldn't tell you anyway.
Lou: can i make a suggestion
Rick: sure
Lou: i want one of those little hats our people wear
Rick: Lou, you are not Jewish, you can't just say you're Jewish, and I am not going to make that happen for you. So stop it.
Lou: rick i didnt want to play this card but i think you probably are aware that our people are extremely powerful and can make things difficult for you
Rick: Ok, let's suppose for a second you could become Jewish. What if I told you I'd only give you one gift anyway?
Lou: well isnt that like a goy
Rick: Now you're just being offensive. This is the end of this discussion, are we clear?
--------: 4:51 PM
Rick: I'm heading out soon, do we need anything for the weekend?
Lou: not that i can think of
Lou: do you have any plans
Rick: Emily is coming over tomorrow, and I'm hoping she'll hang out for the whole weekend so I want you to BE NICE THIS TIME.
Lou: being nice sounds like work rick
Lou: tomorrow is our peoples day of rest
Rick: I told you we were done with that. See you in a while.
--------: 5:04 PM
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: ...WHAT
Lou: oy vey
--------: Rick has gone offline
“It’s hard to be sure now, but I swear I used to have a subscription to...”
– twitter
“I checked, and the Nile totally is a river in Egypt. That therapist is an idiot....”
– twitter
November 2008
7 posts
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 5 : Little Rick
--------: 9:45 AM
Lou: rick
Rick: Yeah
Lou: that gray cat is outside again
Rick: So?
Lou: what do you mean so
Rick: So... why are you telling me this?
Lou: omg its like you dont even know me man
Lou: you realize what its like to sit in here all day by myself
Lou: while this punk hangs out on my lawn
Lou: acting like he owns the place
Rick: You talk the same way about the UPS man.
Lou: that guy is a bitch
Rick: Is this going somewhere?
Lou: why does everything have to go somewhere with you
Rick: Because I'm busy, I work.
Lou: i know ive been meaning to talk to you about that
--------: 10:37 AM
Lou: rick
Rick: LOU
Lou: what
Lou: what
Lou: rick
Rick: WHAT
Lou: i need you to start leaving the tv on
Rick: Absolutely not.
Lou: why
Rick: It's a waste of energy.
Lou: ouch
--------: 2:45 PM
Lou: rick
Rick: What?
Lou: can i get a puppy
--------: 3:07 PM
Lou: rick
Rick: Can this wait?
Lou: no
Rick: Ok what
Lou: i made something for you
Rick: I don't like the sound of that.
Lou: no no wait til you see it
Rick: Ok, you made something out of what?
Lou: love
Lou: and clay
--------: 3:19 PM
Lou: and poopies
--------: 4:52 PM
Lou: rick
Rick: On my way out the door Lou, what is it
Lou: its a poopie puppy
Rick: I'm sure it's fantastic. See you in twenty.
Lou: i call it little rick
--------: Rick has gone offline
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 4 : Oh look, oregano
--------: 11:14 AM
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: What
Lou: i just wanted to tell you i love you man
Rick: Um... I love you too.
Lou: no but i love you man
Rick: What is going on
Lou: oh shit what was that
Rick: Are you ok Lou?
Lou: im freaking out a little man
Rick: What do you mean?
Lou: hey did you ever notice how weird that lamp by the door is
Lou: i mean for reals that is a messed up lamp
Rick: Have you been in the grocery bag on the counter?
Lou: been in it man i ate it
Rick: Ate what exactly?
Lou: the bag
Rick: Wait... the whole bag?
Lou: it had that leafy stuff you put in soup and things
Lou: you know i love that stuff
Lou: i cant be trusted around it
Rick: Lou that was catnip, it was supposed to be a surprise
Lou: oh it was a surprise alright
Rick: Not as much of a surprise as the bag will be.
Lou: you arent kidding man
Lou: im already getting turtle head going with that thing
--------: 11:47 AM
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Lou: riiiiick
Rick: Lou I don't have time to talk you down from whatever kind of trip you're on
Lou: wheres the fire extinguisher man
--------: Rick has gone offline
“The glove on the beer bottle from Laverne and Shirley is a great metaphor for...”
– twitter
“DID YOU KNOW? Although Kix cereal was truly “Kid Tested” and...”
– twitter
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 3 : Of Spoons and Spiders
--------: 10:17 AM
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: You don't have to do that, just say something and I'll see it.
Lou: rick
Rick: WHAT
Lou: im bored
Rick: Lou, I'm busy.
Lou: hey you know that thing on the mantle
Rick: You're going to have to be more specific.
Lou: the spoon thing
Rick: My mom's spoon collection, sure. What about it?
Lou: nothing
Rick: What happened Lou
Lou: its on the floor now
Rick: You knocked it over?!
Lou: i didnt say that
Rick: Well how did it get there?
Lou: you know maybe if this is how its going to be i just wont tell you about stuff like this
Rick: That was the only thing my mother cared about Lou. Did it break?
Lou: how the hell would i know
Rick: Well look at it!
Lou: all i know is its on the floor man
--------: 12:42 PM
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: You don't have to do that!
Lou: hey man there is like a huge spider web by my box
Rick: I'll clean it out when I get home.
Lou: i have to go now though
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: You'll have to just brave it out or hold it Lou.
Lou: im not going in there
Rick: Then you can wait.
Lou: look rick i didnt want it to come to this but you left the basket full of clean clothes sitting on your bed
Rick: Louis, I swear to God if you do that again...
Rick: Lou?
--------: 1:21 PM
Lou: rick
Rick: WHAT
Lou: im trying to do the right thing and you are making that very difficult
Rick: I have meetings Lou. Do what you have to do I guess. Please use the box.
Lou: why did you even set this thing up
Rick: What thing?
Lou: this talking thing
Rick: So you could contact me in case you.. god dammit.
Lou: what
Lou: rick
Lou: rick
Rick: I'll be home in 20 minutes.
Lou: im gonna take back some of the things i said about you rick
Rick: Shut up.
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 2 : Buddies
--------: 8:05 AM
Rick: Lou are you there?
Rick: I know you're there, can you see this?
Lou: what
Rick: OK good. Remember what I showed you, how you can click on the little video camera for a video chat?
Lou: no
Rick: Seriously? This was like twenty minutes ago.
Lou: oh that
Rick: Right, so click on it
Lou: what
Rick: Don't be a jerk, click on it.
Lou: well i dont want to have a video chat
Rick: Why not?
Lou: why do you want to
Rick: I'm just trying to make sure everything works.
Lou: well this works
Rick: Right, but the video.
Lou: what video
Rick: For Christ's sake Lou, the
Lou: relax im kidding
Lou: i dont see the icon
Rick: It's next to my picture and name in the buddy list.
Lou: wtf is a buddy list
Rick: I don't have time for this, if you want to be able to get in touch with me at work this is how we're going to do it and I feel like you're just jerking me around.
Lou: maybe i dont have time for this
Rick: You lick your balls all day.
Lou: thats more than a little insensitive and i think you know why
Rick: Whatever. Look, I have to work. I'll be on here if you need me.
--------: 8:25 AM
Lou: rick
Rick: What?
Rick: ...What?
Lou: rick
Rick: Goodbye.
Louis vs. Rick : Episode 1 : the Ping
--------: 8:15 AM
Rick: OK can you see this
Rick: Lou
Rick: ok hang on
Rick: OK how about now
Rick: what are you doing
Rick: god dammit.
October 2008
1 post
“Somebody should invent some kind of passive neglect machine.”
– twitter