1. I have intercourse with deer. I do not, but if I were to pick an animal? You’re goddamn right. Deer are sexy as shit.
2. I am a bioterrorist and had called for an attack on Kansas City, Missouri. Excepting for the occasional “Dutch Oven”, I am not a bioterrorist. But fuck Kansas City, am I right?
3. I was the subject of not one but two late night photography sessions, wherein I was asked to show “sexy face” and “sad face” and insisted on pretending to be having intercourse with someone or something in order to achieve authenticity in these expressions. There was nothing ‘pretend’ about it, and I have apologized to the family of the photographer.
4. I had some kind of run-in with a Japanese male transvestite or transsexual whose status in the sex transition process may or may not have won a bet for me, and who I may or may not have offended in some way. Obviously, I can not say with 100% certainty that this person was male.
5. We can call it paradise. We can not. It is a one night stand.

Imported from a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls porch